I Used to Be Creative

When I was younger, I felt things so deeply that there was no other option for me, but to write out my feelings. I would write poetry and prose. I would wake up eight times in the middle of the night–each time to add more to a poem I had started before I went to sleep. I would daydream and draw in class. I would spend an entire day starting and finishing a new novel I had just purchased–one that ultimately brought me to tears or scared the crap out of me. I bought books on writing and the writing process. I dreamed of becoming a famous author, of writing for a living.

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I still feel the ache of wanting to write. I have novels- and novels-worth of material waiting to be written, but I can’t seem to write anything of substance. What happened? I used to be so proud of my work. I would share my poetry willingly, and ask others for advice in my writing. Does it flow? Are the characters believable? What should I add or remove or change to make the story even better? Can you feel the emotion behind my poetry?

Maybe I’m scared to write. Scared of what may come out of me. I’ve worked so hard to fight past all the bad, and to break into this person who is caring and strong. What if my writing shows everyone my weaknesses? What will they think?

Or maybe I’m scared that it’s just not good enough. When I was in Middle School, I had an English teacher named Mr. Faulk. I will never forget him. We were doing a poetry unit, and I mentioned to him that I have a book of poetry that I had written. I brought it in the next day for him to read. I knew all the poems weren’t great, but I was proud of what I had accomplished. Mr. Faulk started his critique by telling my he really like a specific poem. And to tell you the truth, I’m not even sure which one it was, because his next words hurt so badly. “…but the rest really aren’t that good.” He handed back my book of poetry. I nodded my head, and returned to my seat. Embarrassed. Disappointed. Ashamed. Nothing like destroying a child’s dream.

I spend my days, wanting to be creative. Wanting to write. But something is holding me back.

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Guilty Conscience

I’m completely frustrated today. I’ve been on vacation since the end of June, and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I had all these plans. I was going to write a book, and plan for next year, and start to meditate. All I’ve been able to accomplish is watching almost 5 seasons of Dexter. I’m completely addicted. Someone, please tell me it’s okay to veg-out and do nothing this summer. I’m feeling guilty.Image

Erotic Hippos

Last week, my husband and I went next door to hang out with our neighbors. We were talking and having fun, and everything was going well. That is, until the guy started talking about putting hippos in the neighborhood park. All I could think about were these random hippos chilling in the mucky water…and I started to laugh. Who would put random hippos at a park? Anyways, I was trying to control my giggle while the guy was still talking. Out of nowhere, he says something about putting even Imagemore “erotic” animals at the park so people would visit. I’m sure he meant ‘exotic’, but I completely lost control and laughed out loud–as did my husband. Out of nowhere, the guy freaks out screaming at us for laughing at him, almost gets in a physical altercation with my husband, and kicks us out. I tried to explain that we weren’t laughing at him, but at the mix-up in words, but nothing helped. The guy obviously has some issues, but I’m sad that I may have lost a friend along the way. I guess sometimes things just work out like that.

Photo Phrustration

My sister sent me a message on FB today and said something about getting photos off an old myspace account. So that got me thinking. I wonder what photos I have on old accounts like Myspace and Photobucket. So, I go to these sites, figure out my old usernames–after searching for myself on both sites because I haven’t used them in so long–and realize that I have no stinking idea what my passwords were. Grrr. What to do? I ended up searching online to see if there was anything I could do to retreive my old passwords. Next to hacking into the sites–which I really don’t want to do, I’d probably screw up my own computer–the only other option is to get your password sent to the email you registered the account with. “Ok,” I say. “I’ll do that.” But, as luck would have it, my email that is linked to the accounts is no longer active and is ‘no longer retrievable’ according to gmail. Well, I’ve done everything I can possibly think of. Maybe my old passwords will come to me in a dream tonight. If not, at least I still have my memories, and I can’t lose the password to those.

Project ADD

I’m a 6th grade English LA teacher, and I’m on my very first Summer vacation. I’ve always had a million things going on at once. While I was in college, I was working full time. While I am teaching, I am planning, grading, re-planning, going to meetings, etc. Now that I have all this time on my hands, I feel the need to keep myself busy like I’ve always been. The problem is, I have too many things I want to be doing. And in response to all these things going on in my mind, I end up doing absolutely nothing. Or, I start something and realize that there are so many other things I want to be doing that I get frustrated, and once again, I end up doing absolutely nothing. 

Here is a list of things that I really want to get to:

-write a book

-finish the cross stitch project I started probably 2 years ago

-finish the latch hook project I started when I was probably 12 or 13 years old

-start the painting project for the baby’s room (I’m 17 weeks pregnant)

-exercise every day

-meditate every day

-finish the book, Dreamcatcher

-come up with a family budget

-plan for next year (teaching)

-continue to make my jewelry so I have enough to reopen a store on Etsy

And the list goes on… I’m feeling really overwhelmed with all the things I want to do. I like being busy, so that’s not really the problem. I think the issue comes when I begin all these things, and I never finish them. They are always looming overhead. 

I’ve never really been one to stick to a to do list. I plan things out, but I don’t follow my plans. I’m stuck in a rut. 

Maybe I’ll meditate, or draw, or exercise, or write. Or, maybe I’ll just sit here and think about it for a while. Hmmmm…